WHAT A WEEK IT HAS BEEN
OK, I promise this post is not going to be one long gripe session...but I'm not going to lie, this has been a rough week. For starters, I have had a sinus headache since Sunday night. That is four straight days. Apparently, my boys didn't get the memo that my head was on the verge of exploding, and proceeded to scream, fight, argue, throw tantrums, etc. pretty much the for the entirety of their waking hours. Even Bauer has been fussy and restless day and night. Night and day.
Tonight was my first party since going on maternity leave four months ago (yes, B is only two months old...I took the last two months of my pregnancy off too). The Saulsy and I have agreed that the money I make off my sales (commission) is being saved for our beach trip next summer and all the money I make off my team (royalty) goes into our family account for bills and such. I need to sell $2000 a month (I make 25%, so $500) to pay for the trip (we are renting a 5 bedroom house w/ a pool and are taking two babysitters. It is going to be so fabulous, I can almost feel the sand in my teeth, er, toes). Well, my party tonight will probably be $2000 all by itself. Woo hoo. Not bad for one night of work. But, there is always a downside. After an emotional and physically tiring week by the time I actually got to my hostess's house tonight, my head hurt so bad that my vision was blurred and several times throughout my presentation I forgot what I was saying mid sentence. I sat down to take people's orders and I swear I could have slept right there in that kitchen chair and been fine. I felt like I was doing really badly at my job. Then, Matt starts texting me that baby B was starving and had been crying for 45 minutes. I couldn't leave until everyone had placed their order, so by the time I actually left and drove home, I was a nervous wreck, feeling terrible for not being home to feed my poor baby. So all that to ask:
How are we supposed to juggle it all? I have always thought that if you add something into your life, something else will suffer. But tonight, I felt like EVERYTHING suffered. I didn't do my job well, and I didn't do being a mommy well. And that, above all, makes me really sad. But here is the thing. My job is the absolute best thing I could do for being a stay at home mom. I work as much or as little as I want. I set the tone and pace. What else could I do where I stay home with my children all day, then go out one night of the week, and make $500? I work 15 hours a week. 5 hours in the early morning before the children get up, 3 hours for a party one night a week, 3 hours one morning a week while my mom has the boys, and four hours one night a week while matt is counselling and the kids are in bed. So, the majority of my work is done while my children are sleeping. I don't think they suffer, except on nights like tonight, when my baby is hungry and I am not there to feed him!
I don't really know what I am trying to say. Just work things out in my own head, I suppose. This isn't really a question of whether or not I should be working. If it isn't this, it is something else...there will always be something. I think about the Proverbs 31 woman. She worked, she invested, she managed her house, she prepared food, she bought property, she made clothes, etc. And she did it with a good attitude. With each child I have, I simplify my life even more. Pare down, eliminate. I don't mind that. Someone recently said that they declutter to eliminate the distractions that keep them from knowing God. I love that. The more simple my life and home is, the less time I have to spend driving around, getting gas, running errands, dusting, repairing, etc. The more time I have for the truly important things, like investing in my husband, children, and friends.Take housekeeping for example. I know that it is important to have a clean, well managed home. But on the other hand, it will just get messy again and there are so many more important things to do than clean toilets! So, how do you decide how much time and effort to put into cleaning? I know this post is somewhat frenetic, and I am sorry about that. I would love to hear comments though on how you choose what stays and what goes in your life...how do you decide what deserves your time and what you give up?
Hmmmm......The eternal question....how to balance everything. I think you're thinking too much about it. Just live life and enjoy! You couldn't help that Bauer was hungry. He was fed while you were gone. He probably had whatever you had and just didn't feel well. He lived through it. You had no way of knowing he would do that while you were gone. It's no big deal. He won't remember it. You need to let it go. This kind of needless worry is a real energy zapper.
ReplyDeleteYou're a great mommy but WAY too hard on yourself. I love you anyway. Your Mommy