Managed Chaos and Thanks

Stack of magazines for a friend

It's so long between posts these days, that when I come here to write, I don't know what to say. Feels a bit like running into a friend that you haven't seen in awhile...a little awkward but good, too. 

Life here is messy, in all the ordinary ways. "Managed chaos" is what my husband calls it. I swing between over-the-moon blissed out baby love, to crying from exhaustion. People ask me how I'm doing and I have no idea what to say. Wonderful? Terrible? Neither? Both? 

Probably most of us can say that, on any given day. There's good and hard all mixed in together. 

Yesterday, when both girls were screaming simultaneously and my two year old was standing on the counter, throwing raw eggs onto the rug on the floor, I was positive that I couldn't do this mama thing for one. more. minute. 

But I did, of course, and the afternoon brought dinner with friends, and moments to connect with each of my children and hubby individually, and even a few moments outside, sweeping the beautiful red and golden yellow leaves off the porch. 

I have a beautiful, chaotic, happy life and some days I want to run away from it. I want to get in my car and drive fast to somewhere that no one will say "mama? mama?! MAMA!!!!" 30 times in a row. 

You get that, right? 

That it's wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything but sometimes I think I can't stand another minute of the chaos?

I hope you know what I mean. I always feel conflicted when people ask me "how are you doing?". I want to be honest and authentic and let the messiness show through but I also want to convey the joy and happiness that I feel. 

On that note, here are some things that I am loving right now:

~My house is slowly, slowly coming back together. One drawer at a time, I am paring down, organizing, simplifying. The external peace of my surroundings really helps me feel calm, so I'm thankful that I am making progress on reclaiming my home after all those months of bed rest.

~ Saulsy. Oh my, I don't know how I could possibly function without him. We will be celebrating our 11th anniversary next month and I am so exceedingly grateful for his love and attentiveness to me and our children. 

~Nursing babies. I was so anxious during my pregnancy that I would not be able to nurse these girls. And, when they were born 7 weeks premature, I was afraid that was the final nail in the nursing coffin. So, I am incredibly happy that they are both strong nursers now. I am proud of each and every one of their little fat rolls. Nursing them feels like a major accomplishment, and a gift. 

~Good food. I am so, so happy to be back in the kitchen. My pantry and freezers are bursting at the seams. I have all our food organized into categories on my phone, along with the quantity and where it is located (we have 2 fridges and 3 freezers). This is so convenient for when I am at the store, and can't remember if I already have something, I can just check on my phone. My kitchen is my happy place. Lately, I have a pot or two of soup going at all times. Today, I have a venison vegetable soup, and a 15 bean soup. I make a pan of cornbread and pull out a jar of freshly canned applesauce, and we have a yummy, quick dinner. I've been making other things that I will save for another post. 

~The leaves and weather have been exceptionally beautiful this year. I haven't been able to spend much time outside this fall, so I'm even more grateful for the beautiful fall leaves outside every window. 

~Good friends and family. I have so many that have loved our family in numerous ways over these last months. I have so far been unable to aptly express my overwhelming gratitude for the encouragement, the late night visits to hold babies while I sleep, the texts, the pointing me to scripture, taking a toddler for a morning, picking up kids from school, bringing meals, doing laundry and other housework, and the list goes on and on. It really does take a village (or two!) to raise a child and my village has been on over-time this year. 

~My children. It boggles my mind that I have six kids. I can't get over it. And twin girls?!?!?! Craziness. Saulsy and I stand side by side and stare at them at night, speechless. We really can't believe it. And wow, are we in love. And our boys!! Oh, man. Saulsy texted me the other day, while driving somewhere with our boys, and said "does your chest ever hurt? Sometimes, my chest physically hurts, I love you and our kids so much". Yep, that pretty much sums it up.  Breathtaking, overwhelming love.

~My washer and dryer. Dang, we do a lot of laundry. Where does it come from? I swear clothes multiply. I'm awfully glad I can stuff it into a machine and push a button. Magically, 54 minutes later, I have clean clothes!

~Psalm 34. My sister-in-law sent me to that chapter after a desperate text during witching hour when I was having a melt down and I cried over the text. Great comfort there.

That's enough for now. I want to share some links in another post of foods I've been making and links that have encouraged and inspired me. I always love to see what other people are reading and cooking!