DISCLOSUREI read blogs that encourage me. The ones that I continue to return to are the ones that promote simplicity, beauty in the every day, contentment with where we are, domesticity. Those are things that I try to focus on in my blog too. There are lots of less than pleasant things that go on in our home on a daily basis...temper tantrums, impatience, overflowing laundry, last night's dishes in the sink. But those aren't the things that I want to remember, so those aren't the things that I typically blog about.
Today though, I feel compelled to tell you that life as a mother has been really, really challenging for me these last six or so months. I have been/am really struggling. April in particular, has seemed especially daunting. Pregnancy is always a very trying time for me. Even this pregnancy, which has (so far) been pretty easy, especially compared to my other pregnancies, has been challenging. Aside from the normal physical aches and pains of pregnancy, the emotional/mental aspect is a real doozy for me. I feel like I could snap at any moment. My patience flies out the window. And, as a result, I second guess myself as a mother constantly. I wonder how I could possibly have another child, when I obviously am not fit to take care of the ones I have, blah blah blah.
Anyway, my point of all this is to say...I don't know...I guess for the people who know me in real life, my blog might seem like a big disconnect, maybe an alternate reality. It isn't!! I love my family and little green house and being domestic. But it is also really hard sometimes. Everyone's life is hard. We all know that. Mine isn't any harder than anyone else's.
When I look back on this time with small children, I want to remember them happily playing in boxes in the yard and eating homemade popsicles and making bread with me. I don't want to remember that today I yelled at them for jumping on my (just made) bed with their shoes on and telling them that they were making me insane. I want to remember them bringing me flowers. I want to remember snuggling up on the couch with a stack of books.
So, please know, I am not trying to be disingenuous. I am just trying to dwell on the good, happy aspects of daily life. And there is plenty to dwell on! I know that full well. Right now, I am just having to look for those moments a little harder.